You would have fared better
If left unborn.
Only if I had let them seize you away
From the darkness of my womb!
It might not have hurt
As much as it hurt today!
Only if I had not let you be;
Only if I had not let you live!
I was a coward,
I couldn’t do what I should have done;
My hands trembled as I turned away
And walked as far as my legs would carry me
From that old tattered building
where your fate could have been sealed;
Where you could have been freed
From all the miseries that lay waiting
I was scared!
I thought if I ignore you
you would go away,
leaving me with one less thing
to feel guilty about.
But you kept growing
strong and big
as each day passed, you bloomed;
within me you thrived!
You kicked and writhed
reminding every second
that you were very much there.
And in seeped a tide of fear
Oh God, what was I going to do?
I could have given you away,
Sent you somewhere far!
I could have found someone –
To take you under their wings;
To love you as much as you deserved to be loved;
Someone who would watch you grow
And beam with pride as they do!
Someone, not a bit like me
Someone, worthy of you!
You should have never known me
Maybe then you would have had a chance!
But no, as I watched you squirming in my arms
Your delicate hands gripping my finger
And your big wide eyes
Staring at my tattered face
I lost my resolve!
Now, pardon me son
Being the selfish soul I am,
I could do it no more, not even for you!
May be I saw a ray of hope,
Dreamed of happiness that might finally come
I saw us walking hand in hand
Down the aisle of misery and joy
I know you would have been better off else where
But maybe I deserved one last chance
To be your mother,
To love you as I never thought I could!
And I failed
As miserably as I have all my life
Now I wish I could go back in time
I wish I had done what was right
And spared you all the pain
I wish I hadn’t burdened you
With the bitter taste of my poisonous love
I wish you didn’t have to flaunt
All those scars of my broken soul!
I never deserved you,
I wish I had accepted it when I first knew!