Today is your birthday, and yeah,I am sorry I remembered!
But I swear I did everything in my might to not remember. I tried to flush out every bit of information about you from my system. But it didn’t work. It seems like every single thing about you- your special days, likes, dislikes- has some how got hardwired into me. And I wonder if I would ever be able to get rid of them.The more I try to forget, the more I keep remembering.
At 12 am, it took every ounce of my will to not pick up the phone and dial your number. And I am quite proud of myself for that. When I think about it, calling you to wish you a happy birthday wouldn’t have been such a bad thing to do. I mean it’s just a courtesy call, right? But keeping in mind how our last meeting ended, I guess it was safer this way.
Anyway, I couldn’t resist the urge to buy you a birthday present. I have been doing that for five years now and it has kinda become a ritual. I guess you are never going to find out what I got you this year- it’s a pair of running shoes by the way- since I am not planning to give you your present. It had taken me a whole day to finally pick a pair I liked. I would probably return it back to the store, but it would have been really great to see you wear them. I had always loved to give you surprise gifts, remember? I guess the last few surprises didn’t go down very well with you.You had made that pretty clear when you said that you found me a bit ‘over whelming’.
Overwhelming!! I mean I still don’t get it. I thought I did pretty well for a girl friend- I took care of things for you, I was always there for you. I know, you need your space-blah blah. But I was ready to work that all out. You needn’t have chucked me out so heartlessly. You knew all about my past, right? You knew about my Dad, how he left us while I was still in my diapers. And my Mom, let’s not even get into that. You were the very first person whom I felt I could rely on. May be I over did a little, but I still think you overreacted.
But I still have my hopes up. You were always skeptical. You never believed that we could have a healthy relationship in the first place. Remember what you told me when I wanted to move in with you- that you thought I was too young for you? And look how perfectly it worked out in the end- well I guess it worked out alright until you started finding me ‘overwhelming’ (which I still find ridiculous). We did have fun, the two of us, now don’t dare to tell me other wise. You were happy, don’t deny it. I know you were. I doubt any other girl would ever make you that happy.
Sometimes it kills me. I feel so helpless when I fail to make you understand that we are meant to be. I wish you would also realize that we are soul mates. I just want us to be happy , that is why I still keep trying. And then you call my efforts ‘stalking’? You called me a stalker in front of a bunch of strangers at that grocery store. I saw all of them watch me with widened eyes, as if i was a maniac or something.
Penny says that I have become a whiner and that I have to stop being so pathetic. She says that I deserve someone better than you. But why she can’t see that I don’t want anyone better, I just want you.
I guess I will feel better with time. But for now, it feels terrible. And since I am not going to send this letter to you anyway, let me confess that I still haven’t given up on us. Yeah, I must be such a loser for still wanting you back. May be that’s why I frequent all those places where I believe I would run in to you. But you have made it a point to avoid me on all costs , right?
So happy birthday. I had to wish you, and don’t worry, you will never know that I did.