It’s not easy- living a double life.
Though it all started as an attempt to get out of my boring lifestyle, I have started growing fond of my new friends and my new life. Never have I experienced such a level of freedom, nor have I enjoyed such a jovial companionship.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my parents. I do miss them a lot. But Papa has always been too hard on me. However, I still am committed to fulfill my promise to Papa. Though I don’t give a damn about the studies while at the school, I come home every day and dutifully follow my Papa’s lesson plans. I haven’t talked to him in a while. Every time Mamma tells me that he would call me the next day, but that has never happened yet. When Mamma asks me about the school, I tactically change the topic. I don’t want to tell her any lies. But I did tell her that I have got some really good friends and she seemed happy to hear that. But I am not very sure about how Papa would react to that. He has always told me that the more a person grows dependent on the company of others, the more vulnerable he/she becomes.
I guess Grandfather suspects something about my double life. Last evening I reached home around 7. Grandmother was waiting for me by the gate and as soon as she saw me, she came running towards me. “Where were you till this time?”, she asked me and I could see that she was very upset. “I had some school work to do, so I went to a friend’s house”, I replied, not meeting her eyes. As much as I hated lying to her, I couldn’t tell her the truth either. I was in fact hanging out with Ravi and Jamshed by the river side watching a group of men playing cards. Grandfather looked up from the newspaper he was reading and stared right into my eyes. I felt my heart beat faster, but I held his glare and for a moment it seemed that he knew everything about where I was. But after few seconds he went back to his reading and let me get away with it.
I have been lying a lot to my friends too. Initially it did not bother me. But as I have started getting closer to them, I feel guilty all the time. I know that they are fiercely loyal to me and I want to admit that everything I told them was a lie.I want to tell them the truth – that my Papa is not actually in Kuwait , that I was not expelled from my old school, that the lesson of Permutations and combinations didn’t sound gibberish to me like I had previously agreed, that every time they pick a fight with older boys I have to resist the urge to run to safety though I pretend otherwise, that I don’t think all the teachers are just a pile of rubbish because my Papa is one of them, that I don’t sneak out my Papa’s left over cigarette stubs to take a puff because my Papa doesn’t smoke.
But I can’t muster enough courage to tell them anything. What if they stop talking to me, what if they think I am worthless to be their friend. So I carry on with my lies, pretending to be someone else! It’s not easy- living a double life, at least not easy as I thought it would be!
I am participating in the A to Z challenge this April. This is my post for the letter D.