It all began with a faint pink line on the white pregnancy strip. I remember being happy, as happy as I have never been before. I was not caught off gaurd, I knew I was ready for the exciting journey, or so I thought!
What followed was months of puking, heart burns, swollen ankles, shortness of breath,constant pressure to eat healthy, constant fear of doing something wrong and so on! Advises and concerns started pouring from all over-don’t eat this, don’t sleep like that, don’t get up too fast, climb steps, don’t over-climb steps, eat this,don’t eat that,exercise, don’t over-exert,hear music, careful, careful, CAREFUL…..!Did I mention a the huge inflation in the lower belly, yeah I thought so!
I (literally) waddled my way through those ten(okay, I know,9 something) months,counting each day.Visiting babycenter each day to see what stage the baby would be! Oh now it has fingers, now it can sense light, ah..it is kicking, it can hear me now, oh..now it is all developed, it is going to live after all!Then going off work and officially waiting for it to come out,counting the movements every other hour-why is it not moving-something wrong?Rushing to the pregnancy forums and looking for every ‘potential symptoms’ of labor.
Wondering aloud why it has to be this long, three four months would have been ideal. Listening to other’s labor experience (some very scary,mind it!).Listening to experts, you glow so it is a girl.Your tummy’s slightly inclined to the left, a boy definitely. Your hair has grown thicker, a girl for sure.Then longingly gazing at baby names, nothing looks perfect enough to be my baby’s name! Mom nodding with disapproval- too early- counting the chicken before the eggs hatch? Insomnia, fear, nervousness,anxiety.And an intense climax- a pain that breaks all boundaries! A pain so cruel that I just want to get over with it- how much more time,when will it be done!
And then I see her, for a minute I don’t even care she is finally here.All I can feel is the relief that the pain has gone away! But then yes, she is here.Count the fingers,count the toes. She is perfect! If it was a movie,this is the perfect place to insert a gracious melodious song showing the baby growing up!
But unfortunately life is not that simple. Screaming, more screaming. I wish I could put her back in my tummy. Pain, more pain.They lie, it doesn’t go away so soon! My broken scarred body,finally realizing it’s never going to be the same!
More experts, more advice!Feeling incompetent,feeling anxious ! Why is she crying?Do I see a tinge of yellow? Hiccup, was that a hiccup or something else? 45 days and no eye contact? Why is she not smiling? Ah…why won’t she just shut up? Guilt, embarrassment for being able to think like that! why isn’t she rolling over,isn’t it the time for her to be walking,when will she start talking?Solid food?Liquid food?Diaper rashes,constipation,runny nose,stomach upsets. Medicine, does it have any side effects?baby cream-what are the ingredients? I hear my mother tell, it is going to be like this all your life , anxious about your child you will be even when she becomes 60! huh?
Then hunt for a maid. Feeling possessive as I see my baby in her arms.What if my baby starts loving her more than me! What kind of mother leaves her four month old to go to work? Resign or not to resign….
And then suddenly on my own with my little one far far away from any family! Work,kid,household chores….I am lost! I am incompetent…!
But then I see her look at me with so much love.’I want Amma’ she says, no one else will be good enough.I feel overwhelmed.At last someone wants me the way no one else has wanted me, at last some one has her world revolving around me(yeah, it is short lived), at last a part of me has made way outside of my body and my mind.
Being a mother, something I never regret, no matter how hard the journey was or is going to be!