I squeezed the orange bottle with my right palm, just to feel how real the whole situation was. There I was, merely twenty seven, twenty five days away from my twenty seventh birthday,employed, unmarried and a whole life stretched before me with all kind of prospects. May be I would end up with an exhilarating, exotic life. May be I would find the ‘eternal happily ever after’ a few years down the lane. May be, and just may bes-my life was full of them-promising but ambiguous may bes.
I squeezed the bottle again and slightly shook it.The pills made a rattling sound which reminded me of a silly ad which was my favorite as a kid. A bunch of cool kids shaking a chewing gum pack, the cool chick chick sound accompanied by a jingle. I almost smiled, ads were my things. I always loved them, I always hummed those jingles.
I was sitting hunched inside my bathroom.The orange bottle in my hand, full of pills that held a lot of potential. It could be today, it was my choice-finally I had a choice, I had something under my control.I shook the bottle once more and the comforting sound of the rattling pills filled my years-‘Chic Chic Chic …Chic Chic Chic…’ I hummed.I almost sounded lunatic. May be ,may be I would find happiness somewhere down the lane, may be I too had a chance of survival.
It was painful to make a decision. I was left to make the most important decision all alone – live or die- the complex crossroad of life,and I didn’t find anybody around to shove me to the right path,let alone hold my damn shivering hands.
I am not afraid to cease existing, it is not a big deal.No one would notice. Still, it is quite disturbing. A choice, that is going to be final and hence fatal. A Choice that has to be made, and once made there is no looking back. I knew the weight of the decision that I was about to take. That was the reason why I had kept pushing this part of the game until the very end. An element of surprise, uncertainty till the very last breath, it excited me in a eerie way.What did it tell about me…? Will I live or die….”Chic..chic..chic…”
I had done my research, I had found the fool proof way to surrender, the painless and most poignant way. No pissing in pants, no disgusting froth from the mouth, no eerie rusty blood smears..I would almost look angelic,at least as angelic as I can afford to look, in those last moments of mine. For some crazy reason in my mind flashed the picture of the serene sleeping beauty waiting for her prince charming to save her from eternal sleep. The thought brought me back to the thought of the potential happily ever after, the potential life that spanned before me-Live or die…the choice had to be made and it had to be made soon.
One reason to not do it, I frantically racked my brains, one real reason – not a potential one. I knew it was not the most rational thing to do, a depressed person cannot find the silver glimmer of hope in a shack of darkness.It is a medical condition and may be it would pass- my potential future life, it was too bright against the dark hell I currently was in, the potential sunny life. I suddenly noticed that I was rocking forward and back ward,I was hugging my knees.A sign of nervousness.I was subconsciously nervous, I did not want to do it- but my conscious mind lacked the lucidity to tell me what I feared more- the prospect of living or dying ! Live or die- pills or potential sunny life?
I could have found a therapist, I even had looked upone online. But that was the easiest part, calling the listed number to schedule the appointment was a braver step.But then I hung up, I failed my self and I was disgusted at my cowardice.I convinced myself that I could fix it myself- I just have to get out of my house,the cocoon that kept me wrapped in, and feel the fresh air .I kept lying to myself that would all magically go away.I had reassured me-I was fine.But it didn’t go away.It was like a dark shadow that overpowered me. Crawl back to your bed, it commanded and I obeyed.I stayed on my bed for days.I would call sick or work from home.The curtains were drawn, phone switched off and I would brood.I did not belong to any thing but myself, I was alone and stranded.My life was in a dark place, only light came from a potential future, something that was more a mirage and less real.
Back to my question- live or die?
I had scribbled a note,I did not type it, but I wrote it down. No room for suspicion.It has to be clear, no one was responsible .No foul play-dignified death
Who would notice first …after all the effort to be dignified in death, who would notice, when? How long would I remain poignant? I could almost smell the decomposition, covered noses, gagging faces,disgust….’A lone female found dead in her apartment, after the neighbors noticed the odor of decay and called the authorities, perhaps been dead for weeks..months…?’Who would find me?
I squeezed the bottle once more, it was quite a hard work to have got the pills and I felt sheer ecstasy as I held it tighter .It involved a lot of lying through my teeth.I glanced at it fondly.My trump card, my back up,my safety button. Except, there is no turning back if I go for it.A choice made is a choice made.A potential life,I knew had the raw materials to brew a better life .But I still had the cold stale fear brimming within me.Will I remain trapped in this darkness like for ever,the potential happiness always remaining miles away giving me the pangs of longing through out my hellish life….?
“Chic..chic..chic…chic…” Live or die….?