I heard him. He was moving about quietly, I knew he was trying to avoid me. I visualized him silently tiptoeing past my door, pausing to check if I was awake.He must be wearing one of his ripped jeans and a hoody, may be the red one with the picture of a black rhino. I wondered if he still had that stupid chain with the skull pendant on. We had a huge row about it last Sunday, about that and his new hair color. He had dyed it a weird shade of red. What began as a harmless argument became an ugly brawl. He became so mad that he shoved me off his path. He just pushed me away and walked out without looking back. I fell down and lied there;shock,hurt and embarrassment weighing down on me.How could he treat me like that , like some disgusting dirt? I am his mother, the one who worked her gut out to raise him.Why does he hate me now? Where has my loving innocent son disappeared and who is this monster who has taken his place!
He had been very difficult to live with in the past year.But recently he has started drifting away from me.It is like he doesn’t see me when I am standing right under his nose,craving for his attention.I am trying hard to fit back in his life, but he keeps shutting me out. It is like he no longer needs me, he treats me like I am some kind of intruder.
He comes home late nowadays,we hardly have any meal together. He gets in and locks his room as soon as he is home and I have, literally,not seen him since last Sunday. The little marks he leaves behind, like the unwashed dishes on the living room couch, the dirty clothes tossed all over the hallway, the shoes that I trip on, tell me that he still lives in the same house. I know that he has been thinking about moving out. I had more than once over heard him discuss about this to someone over the phone.Yet, he would not talk to me about it.
He has been stealing from me for a while. I had confronted him a few times and he shouted at me. He has never admitted to doing it, but I can find no other possible theory to explain the missing bills from my purse. I have been carefully locking my money away since, even my jewelry. I always tried to convince myself that all these could be normal teenage behavior. But deep inside I know it is not. I can’t even explain how hurtful it is to be not able to trust the person whom you love the most.It breaks me, it kills me!
I sometimes feel that he is not the child that I had raised. He had transformed in to the stranger who loathes me. I now live in a shadow of fear.I am scared he would turn into some monster who would hurt others or some wasted drug addict or something worse.I am scared that he would drop out of school, or that he would do something stupid and destroy himself. All my life, I had wanted nothing but his happiness. Whenever I had felt terribly low or had my heart broken with the stress and pain, I just needed to see him smile. I can’t live like this anymore.I don’t know what I have done wrong. I keep blaming myself.I want to help him, I want to save him from becoming a sinister monster whom everyone would hate.But, I don’t know how to! I have no one to confide in , I am clueless!Sometimes I wonder if I should take him to some shrink, but then I shrug the thought off. What if it is just a phase or what if they find something terribly wrong in him and lock him away?
I squeezed my eyes tight, only if I could shut my thoughts off!