And before I knew it, I had hit send .
My hands were still shaking with anger and humiliation. I felt betrayed, violated and used.
Did I not heed all their instructions word by word? Did I not push back my life’s priorities?
What about all the good things I did in the past, the one’s they all took the credit for as a ‘Team’? Were they all forgotten in a blink? So this one mistake was my own , for once not the Team’s?
What about those warning that I had given them, which they had ignored ,the one’s for which I don’t have any written proof? Is proof the only thing that matters? Is that why I am just me and they are the mighty them?
I was stunned,shocked.I had bore all the insults in silence, not a word of protest or explanation escaped my lips.
I sat back in my chair. I felt that everybody was secretly staring at me curiosly. Was that the reality or just my hurt ego barking? Did they care? May be not. I caught a few eyes and returned a few apologetic smiles. Minutes passed,but the hurt and anger lingered, slashing my self respect deeply.
What did I gain out of those sleepless nights, all those extra works on week ends? Was missing all the family functions and the reunions with friends worth it? Did having literally no social life help me? Did anything justify my dusty guitar or my long forgotten books ?
I sat staring at the ceiling. Hot tears invaded my eyes and I had to try hard to fight them back.Did I deserve to be shouted at in front of a whole bunch of people? Did ANYONE deserve such a loud insult?
All those missed promotions,long forgotten onsite promises, unsaid appreciations, never given recognitions,unfair evaluations,I can forgive them for all that. But will I ever forgive myself if I did not act or react this single time?
There will be no more silent endurance.I wanted to let them know that I was going to take no more shit , just one simple action to console my hurt ego.
So I hit send, before I could re think, before the coward in me could pounce on my conscience,trying to restrain my instincts,trying to coerce me into surrender yet again!
And this time I did not re read my email.
I did not check for spelling and grammar mistakes.
I did not bother to diplomatically beautify every sentence so as to hurt no one’s big fat ego.
I did not sugar coat it.
I did not sign it with Faithfully or Sincerely or Truly or any such hollow adjectives.
I did not care to add my designation ,company logo, phone number or any stupid disclaimer.
It was a simple plain email,meant to do what it was supposed to do.Convey the message -loud and clear.
I sent it, not worrying about the consequences ,just imagining the look on their faces when they read through it,a strange sense of triumph descending on me.
I slowly got up and walked towards the door, the door to my freedom .I knew this was walking out of the security of a job, a job that paid my bills. But had it not tied my tongue and my thoughts long enough? I knew this meant struggle, but I could make peace with that.
I heard hurried foot steps behind me.Someone called my name. I turned back and came face to face with one of the beasts.
“Can we have a quick discussion Jai? In the conference room?”
He did not give me the luxury of discretion when I was abused, why did he need a cover now?
I resisted the temptation of poking my tongue out at him and howling NO. Instead I piously said-
“Sorry Mr Swami.Did you not get my email? I QUIT!!” and walked away, slowly stroking my hurt ego, a hint of smile gracing my lips!!